JOHN FELL OFF THE DOG TODAY

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITH CAREGIVERS AND CHILDREN

I've learned my lessons in the working mother field through on-the-job training, when a few notes might have helped me cope easier. For example:

ONE

Avoid the booby traps.

In the transition from work to home, try to absorb bad news without getting distracted.

Even though you may not be ready to hear about the dog episode when you cross the threshold, both the guardians and the guarded will have waited hours to spring this on you.

Don't stop to ask how eighteen-month old John got on the dog in the first place. If he is still breathing, moving all limbs and making the normal amount of noise, you may want to wait for that answer.

Keep your priorities straight. Let the kids follow you into the bathroom and bedroom as you change clothes, but don't respond to anything until you are sitting down with that cold glass of tea. Or wine if it sounds serious.

TWO

When the children get old enough to call you at work, don't let them.

No matter how many times you tell your children not to call except for emergencies, they will not figure it out. They don't know that nothing makes your heart race and your vision blur more than the words, “your child on line one.” Your competence, poise, charm, and simple sanity can evaporate as terrible scenarios flood your mind.

No. You are going to hear that the lizard is out of crickets, or there have been criminal conspiracies in Monopoly. If you can, bribe your co-workers into taking the calls so they can get the details calmly. Then you can listen to their child's Chutes and Ladders meltdown. Now the only thing that will give you the fear of impending doom is, “your sitter on line 1.”

THREE

Blood is thicker than water, but it looks like a lot more.

You will want to repeat this information often because we are genetically programmed to regard any blood loss as a life threatening event. Usually it's not. Have your child, or the person responsible for him, grab the nearest piece of cloth and press down firmly on the bleeding area. Forget about those cute little pressure points. If it's a nosebleed, tip the head back, pinch the nostrils shut and don't let up. Do this for five solid minutes. Get out the timer, because that's approximately two-and-a-half eternities when something is dripping. If it's still oozing, do another five minutes. This method will work 99 and 99/100's of the time. If it didn't, we'd all have been goners the first time Eve saw the red stuff.

FOUR

There WILL be the D.E.A.R. Times:

DROP EVERYTHING AND RUN

There will be those rare events no mother ever wants to experience, when a true emergency has occurred. If you had been at home when it happened you might feel less guilty, but you probably couldn't have prevented it anyway. Save your adrenaline surges for then. When you really do hear the sound of doom, run. You will amaze yourself when you hang up, smoothly transfer the client or the project or the patient to someone else, and calmly call the other parent or best friend to meet you. You will fight your way through rush hour traffic or the tornado sirens with the skill and grace the Earnhardts would envy, all without a tear or a backward glance. And you will do it because “you're the mommy, that's why.”

P.S. John fell off the dog because the 5-year old was climbing up the refrigerator at the same time and even you couldn't have been in two places at once. So thank your caregiver, and don't forget the Social Security.